I had a major breakthrough this weekend.
I have good days, and bad days. But the juxtaposition of this weekend versus last weekend is insane. Last weekend I wanted to leave. I was ready to call my parents and ask to move home. I was so angry and frustrated, and just…at the end of my rope. I did not know what to do…I felt like I was spiraling out of control.
But this weekend was so amazing.
On Sunday night The Babe was struggling to sleep, she just wanted to be snuggled; but wanted to sleep too. She is my sleep ninja. She fights it so hard, and I don’t know why. The best I can figure is that she just wants to be held, she wants to sleep in my arms and not in bed or in the crib. As I sat in the darkened nursery, rocking her and listening to soft lullabies it hit me like a Mac truck.
I love her so frickin much. I would do anything for her. Give up everything for her…I would do whatever it takes to make her happy and see her smile at me. As we sat there rocking she would open her eyes briefly to see if I was still there…and smile; then close her eyes and go back to sleep. She had fallen asleep in her crib for about an hour, then woke screaming bloody murder…so I just held her and rocked her for a while until she felt safe again.
I finally understood just how much my Mom gave up for me, and my brother. I finally got how hard it was for her to be a single Mom of two young kids, work full time and try to manage a home. I had no clue what she struggled with. And in that moment I had an Intense Mommy Moment as I’ve started to call them. The last few months have been…rough, beautiful, maddening, exhausting, wonderful and really, really intense. I am so, so, so happy to say that The Babe and I are finding our groove and starting to get each other. I was just so happy. Incandescently happy. So happy in fact that I started to bawl. And for once the tears that flowed were tears of happiness and joy and not ones of frustration, insecurity, and doubt. I felt like those joyful tears washed away the last few months of depression, and started to let the sunshine in.
I mean, seriously…this kid is so frickin cute I can’t even stand it sometimes!!
Once she was asleep again I took a moment to thank my Mom. For the sacrifices, the love and everything she did for us. Being a Mom is hard, but I wouldn’t give it up for anything.
I felt like the clouds had finally parted, and I can see the beautiful rainbow that the storm of PPD has left behind. And it is beautiful.
I am sure that I will continue to have bad days, but I know now how to get through them…when it starts to storm, I will just pull out my umbrella and wait for the rainbow.