Category Archives: Loss

Dear Present Me


I shared this status on Facebook just now, but I really feel that the words need a broader audience than my small circle of friends.

This is for anyone struggling today.

Dear Present Me,

I know right now you are hurting, and sad. This didn’t turn out the way you wanted it to, and now you are paying the price for putting yourself out there. You can still breathe, even though it feels like all of the air has left you. You can still stand up even though you feel like you’ve fallen down a deep well and the world is spinning too fast. You have gotten over this before, and you know that you can move past it. You have already done it.

Do not let this derail you. DO. NOT. LET. THIS. BREAK. YOU. You are so much stronger than this. You know you are. Just because you have gotten to a place where you feel good, and are happy does not mean that you do not deserve it. You are not out anything. Nothing has changed. This did not happen to you because you finally embraced happiness.

This is not the end. It will get better. Do not forget that you have what you need already. You have a mantra permanently inked on your body for helping get through hard times such as these. Never give up hope. Lean on the people that you share your life with, they are here for you and love you unconditionally. They will always pick you up when you fall down. You are not alone in this. This will not break you.

This is not about you. This is about timing. Moving on doesn’t not mean forgetting, it means living and not falling down and staying there. It means finishing what you have set out to do. It means making them proud. And making yourself proud. You can grieve this, but don’t you stay there longer than you told yourself you would. This was not a once in a lifetime opportunity. You may get another chance to have what you want, but don’t stay here and wait for it to happen, or life will pass you by. I know it feels like a sucker punch to the chest; but it will get better. This does not break you.

❤ Love, Future you

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Throwback Thursday


tbt 10.16.14

This post was inspired by a friend who just turned 25 this week, and has gone through a lot of ups and downs over the last year.  It made me think back to my mid 20s and how I never thought I’d be happy, or that I would have anything that I wanted.  Because every time I came close to being happy, someone or something had to smash it all to hell.

This photo was taken at the Chicago Conservatory…obviously on November 10th 2007.  Nearly 7 years ago.  At that moment I was with a guy that I barely knew…we met on eHarmony, and after hundred of hours of phone conversations we decided to meet halfway between our home states, in Chicago. We did a lot of sightseeing, and planned this trip for WEEEEEEEEKS.

This is the only photo I have with him in it from that trip, even though I took hundreds of us that weekend.  Because I destroyed all evidence of him just a few weeks later.

I remember the weeks leading up to “meeting” him online.  I was pining away for someone who would never want to be with me the way I wanted him to; I was…for lack of a better word, homeless (I rented a room, from my best friend and her idiot husband, for a disgusting amount of money that left me so broke I couldn’t feed myself, and so miserable from their dysfunctional relationship that I thought I was nuts.) and picked up every single shift I could get at what ever retail job I was working at at that time (I don’t even remember…Mimi Maternity maybe???).  I was lost.  I was questioning everything and when J* and I “met” online I felt like it was fate, it was meant to be and he was The One.

It was.  It wasn’t.  He was not.  To make a long story short, he proposed on the way home, over the phone (Hellllo HANS!), I said yes (My middle name is Ann….hmmmm); and just 2 short weeks later her crushed me by telling me he was going to go back to his ex.  Talk about a roller coaster of emotions there.  (I hope you all get the frozen references there…and when I returned home my “BFF” told me I could not marry a guy I just met, and that I was wako and needed to be committed…like literally taken to the psych ward.)

That was pretty much rock bottom for me.  I hated pretty much everyone and everything about my life.  I honestly thought that I did something so heinous that I never deserved to be happy.  But I was wrong.

Just over a year and a half, 2 more boyfriends-ish, 2 moves and one more internet dating attempt later…I did meet The One.  The Only One.  Life turned around so fast and not because of a guy.  Because I met my other half, the one who lifts me up and is my life line in rough times.  I never would have thought at the moment that I took that photo, that my life would take such a dramatic turn and go on a totally different path than the one I saw before me.

It’s crazy what can happen in 7 years!

Sunday Funday Guest Blogger Series


I really love sharing other runner’s stories, I feel like this helps me stay motivated, and surrounding myself with runners only helps to fan the flames of desire in me to be a better runner.

Sunday Funday guest blogger

I chose this next post for today because of the reason she chose to start running.  Her Mum…

This week’s story comes from across the pond from one of my Women’s Running Community sisters!  Here’s is Angela B.’s story of her training journal for her first marathon!

Okay here’s the story – on 27th January 2013 I decided that I wanted to fulfil a dream of mine (and my mothers) to run the London Marathon.  A crazy notion I know but if I was going to do it 2014 would be the ideal year – I turn 40 and my mum would have been turning 65.

So I started running (well walking and moving slightly faster than walking speed!). In April 2013 I completed my first ever 10K in 1:14:17 – very happy with that if I do say so myself. Then disaster struck I partially tore my Achilles Tendon so was out of training for 2 months…….2 weeks back into training I was rear ended and suffered whiplash in my back, shoulder, neck and arm!!!!!! So once again no training….although I nagged and begged it took the physio a couple of weeks before I was allowed to run again BUT I only had 3 weeks before The Great North Run so I was allowed to do a little bit.

Anyway still recovering from my Achilles injury and with whiplash I completed The Great North Run in 2:59:12 – get me all fast and stuff (well sort of). So now for the main event The London Marathon 26.2 miles of blood, sweat and tears but if I manage to raise enough money then it will all be worth it.

Macmillan Cancer Support did so much to make the last few months of my mums life the best it could be and their work is invaluable. Hopefully you will never need to experience the care and compassion each and every person working for Macmillan has BUT if you have then you know how much they are worth. Please give generously 26.2 miles is a long way…….rather than a standard amount how about we make this fun……..the more random the amount the better (plus if any of you lovely people have any fundraising ideas then let me know). Through Virgin Money Giving, you can sponsor me and donations will be quickly processed and passed to charities.  

October 12th 2013 – so not a fantastic start to the plan as I’ve had birthdays and work to contend with BUT I have managed 11.9 miles so far this month. 0.9 miles running alongside Danger Dave as he went on his bike without stabilisers along with a 2 miler, a 4 miler and a 5 miler…….my fastest mile was 10.06 minute/mile so whoo hoo!!!

November 1st 2013 – the amazing Annette Pearson (and possibly a few others – names once I know them) is doing the Christmas sea dip to help me raise money. This is a fantastic support and all I can say is rather them than me – wet, cold and midwinter – I know where I’d rather be. This deserves a few quid as getting nearly naked when all around you are snuggled up in coats, hats, gloves and scarves takes some bottle.

Christmas Day 2013 I start my marathon training with a 4 miler….. Not easy after a full turkey dinner but I manage it (then have another turkey dinner as I’m starving). Next 4 miler is completed at the inlaws….new route, new challenges…….big bloody hills and 35 mph winds!!!!!!! I did it though. So back home an easy 4 miles followed the next day by an 8 milers (due to technical issues I had to to do it in 2 parts but it got done). Tomorrow is the start of a new year but the training will continue. A few bad weeks with illness, kids, work and Scott’s shifts so a few weeks behind my plan BUT my longest run to date is 14 miles which took me just under 3 hours!!!!!! (I know………). I’ve raised the £2000 target that I needed for Macmillan’s gold bond pledge and I’ve also surpassed the £2014 target I set myself as it’s 2014. MY NEW TARGET IS £2804.49 this was my mum’s date of birth and it seems fitting to have this as my new target.

Well London was last weekend and it was AMAZING – the sun was shining, the crowds were heaving and the spectators were awesome. At mile 5 I saw a sign saying “Your feet are hurt because of all the ass you’re kicking!!!” Totally got that sign especially at mile 20!!!! It wasn’t fast (6:36), it wasn’t pretty (sunburnt) BUT it was finished (and with a sprint too!!!)

Angela

I absolutely love that Angela ran in her Mum’s memory.  My Mom is actually the reason I started down this path.  Had my Mom never gotten cancer I may never have gotten involved with Team In Training…and you might now be reading this.  It’s pretty crazy what life has planned for us.  Thanks so much Angela for sharing your story!  And happy Mum’s Day to all of the Mother Runners out there!

Throwback Thursday


TBT - The Belly

This is the only bare belly pic of me there is during my pregnancy…I believe this was taken over 4th of July last year (obvi last year!)  I seriously loved being pregnant…it was awesome and really fun most of the time…when I wasn’t stressing over whether she was going to be big enough, or my birth plan…haha.  I think I was a pretty cute lil pregnant gal.  It would be super fun to do it again.

Moms In Training


If you’ve followed my blog for a while, then you might know that I am pretty involved with the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society’s Team In Training.  From actually doing endurance events…

Go Team Gun Show

 

 

To Water Stops…water stoppin it best water stop ever!

To Cheer Station Captain…

Since 2011 TNT has been a huge part of my life.  So I am so frickin excited to be taking steps to launch the inaugural season of…

Yeah!!!  I am so excited to be a part of this new adventure this spring!  This winter we’ve been busy planning and getting partners on board…all to help find a cure for cancer.  Which, again, if you’ve followed my blog for a while you’ll know that is a cause near and dear to me.  Cancer has cemented itself in my family and my life and I want it gone.  Forever.  My Mom is a 5 time cancer SURVIVOR.  Yeah…5 times.  She has been cancer free for just over 2 and a half years.  Our longest stretch ever.  I’ve lost friends and family, too many, over the years to cancer in some form and LLS, TNT, and MIT’s mission is to fundraise for education, research, patient support and advocacy.  I know for a fact that without all of the amazing things that LLS has done over the last 20 years…my Mom would not be with us today.

So stay tuned for training updates and the opportunity to do your part in finding a cure for cancer!

GO TEAM!

 

Loss


Loss sucks.  Loss is hard.  And loss is life changing.

pnkblupinwfeet

Before you freak, The Bump, The Hubby and I are just fine.

My brother-in-law and his other half A, lost their bundle-to-be last week.  She was due just 2 weeks after me.  Although I have never personally experienced that kind of loss, I know that it is devastating.  My heart goes out to them, but I also believe that everything happens for a reason.  And I know that this new addition was unexpected and a blessing all the same.

My experience was with infertility, or being told that I would face infertility.  I grieved for a life that I thought I’d never have.  So now that I am growing life, and  A is not, I feel guilty about all of the things that I am going to experience and she is not.  I hesitate to share belly pictures, and weekly updates for fear of hurting her.  But I know that I cannot think that way.  I know that the next few months will be hard for her, but she is so young and has lots of time to become a mother.  I know that one day she will be healed, and she will be happy.  But until then I can only be a shoulder and be supportive.