Category Archives: PPD

Let’s catch you up, shall we?


So when I last posted, other than about moving this blog to a new residence, it was November and winter had just started to creep in.  I was also trying to dye my hair purple, and my little human was still in the throes of a post-surgery-sleep-regression-nightmare.

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I got my purple hair.  But it took about 21 hours and 3 visits to accomplish.

Winter lasted foooooooooorrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeevvvvvvveeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrr

And the little human finally got over her sleep issues…by Christmas time.

But here are some other things that happened:

  1. I fell out of love with fitness, and fell off the healthy eating wagon and rolled for several miles behind it in the dust before I was able to stand back up.
  2. I bought my first Erin Condren Life Planner. (If you shop at this link you can get $10 off your purchase!  Weee!)
  3. I went to Illinois for a photo shoot, with my then business partner.  More about that one later…ashley_0082
  4. I opened my Etsy shop back up… I sell awesome stickers for planners now.  Go.  Check it out.  Now.  It’s awesome!  Plus…because I love ya… use code: FANSOFKAT for 10% off your purchase of $15+.  I am an official entrepreneur now…yaaaaay. FB etsy logo
  5. Finally decided on adding another member to our family…no babies yet because…well…endo still rears her ugly stupid head.
  6. I quit Beachbody…and I will NEVER work for another direct sales company EVER again.  Aside from the business aspect, I have come to hold more respect for clean eating, and know with every fiber of my being that eating a clean, unprocessed or minimally processed diet is what will help you lose weight and be healthier.  No shake or pill can do that for you.  Business wise…I just couldn’t be involved with a company that sold products that I didn’t believe in.  Plus, I just don’t do drama or ridiculousness.
  7. We are headed to Florida again in just about 3 weeks…EEEEEEKKKKK!  I cannot wait.  3 weeks in Florida!?  Um, YEAH!
  8. I am just 8ish pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight…holy cow!  For half-assing it these last 6 months I am very proud of myself.  Progress pictures coming soon.
  9. I am still dealing with PPD…yeah.  STILL.  It happens folks.  And it can stick around for a few years after that bundle of joy arrives.  Are we nuts for thinking of having another baby?!  I have more good days than bad, and Hadley is the light of my life.  But man that transition from only worrying about yourself to you AND another human…oops…I mean another human and then maybe yourself if there is time left over, or they take a nap.
  10. We bought a Subaru and I frickin love it.

So now that you are mostly caught up, and I am back…I will do my best to post more.  Life with kids is hard, and I still struggle to find balance in life.  But that will probably never change…it just need to get better at it.

Hope you all have a lovely Memorial Day weekend!

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12 Months


12 Months

We did it! We all survived our first year as parents and as a little human. She has changed so much in the last 12 months, it just blows my mind. She certainly has her own personality, and knows what she likes, and wants and what she doesn’t.

She is such a beautiful little girl, and I love her sense of humor. I love being able to laugh with her over something she sees for the first time, or most of the time at nothing at all…she just loves to laugh so much.

She has 2 new teeth that have recently made their way through, and working on two more. She is just days away from walking, I am sure of it. As she has been getting brave and taking a step before her forward trust falls into mommy. We have a good vocabulary already, it consists of mama, dada, nana, no, bum bum, and ma’am…with the makings of …MINE in there sometimes!

This last year has blessed me beyond my expectations, challenged my stamina, and left me with many a sleepless night, it has had me rolling on the floor laughing, and sometimes crying too…it has not always been pretty, or fun…sometimes it was downright messy. But I never would have made it through this year without the help of the most amazing mommies I know. So thank you to all of you mommy warriors in my tribe…you know who you are!

Hadley’s Hand


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Thought I would share Hadley hand update since people have been asking. We met with the pediatric orthopedic surgeon this morning and got her x-rays done. As you can see she does indeed have a double ring finger. But it is not a full length of the finger. That portion to the left will be removed. It was also shown that her pinky does not have its own hand bone, and therefore does not have its own ligaments, tendons and nerves. It shares those of the ring finger. Meaning that it is not independently functional and probably will not help her functionally in the future at all. So we have elected to have her pinky removed. We also can see from the x-ray that her pointer finger is not a “normal” pointer finger either. As it has a much smaller middle bone. They won’t be doing anything with that. It will probably be a little bit smaller and not grow at the same rate as the pointer finger on her left hand. She will be having surgery on Friday September 26th.  So I will be total wreck that day!  She will be in a cast for a month, which is kind of a bummer because it will take place just before her first birthday. So I’ve got only a few short weeks to get this little girl to walk, because crawling will be incredibly difficult for her with the cast on her hand!!  But to make it more fun we will be having a #virtualcastsigning party!  If you’d like to “sign” her cast, you’ll be able to!  Stay tuned for a post about that later in the month!

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I know I haven’t really talked about or posted pictures of her hand situation much. That’s because as her mom, I feel incredible guilt over this little issue. Even though I know in my logical mind I had absolutely nothing to do with this. It does have some genetic implications. But there wasn’t anything that I consciously or unconsciously did to do this and I know that, but I still feel a lot of guilt looking at that x-ray, and every time I look at her hand.

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But after doing some reflection it occurred to me that I need to stop feeling shame and guilt about this because I DO NOT want her to feel like it is something that she needs to feel shame and guilt about. It is part of who she is and I love everything about her and who she is. And I MADE that! I created this happy, chubby, independent, hilarious and beautiful human being. I am overwhelmed with gratitude for the opportunity to be her mommy

11 Months


11 months

How is she 11 months old already?!?! It really does seem like only yesterday we we rushing to HCMC to welcome this little munchkin into our arms. It’s scary to think that this is the second to last photo I will take like this!! It’s getting harder to keep her laying still!
She is such a busy bee these days and into everything. All the things. I think it is her mission everyday to get into as many non-baby things as possible!
She loves to type on the keyboard with me while I am working, and loves to take videos of herself, and watch them later. We are sure that she will be walking before her surgery since she is getting so good at walking along everything that she can stand next to. And will RUN with assistance! Look out world!!
She still sings the Mom mom mom song, and asks for the ba ba ba nana song all day.
She is so fun, and awesome.
The countdown to One has begun!!

 

Sh!t no one told me about having a baby that I wish I would have known


Making a baby is hard work, yo.  But the hardest part comes after that sweet little bundle comes home.  The day we were discharged I kept thinking…”This is really happening?  They are actually going to let me take this itty bitty thing home?  Shit just got real.”

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I really thought I had prepared myself for what life was going to be like with a new baby.  Afterall, I had babysat pretty much my entire life, nannied all through college, even lived in for a while, I majored in Early Childhood Ed!  But in all honesty I had no effing clue what we were in for.  A while back I shared some things that I had learned as a new mommy, but that was only the beginning.

As the Hubs and I continue discussions about going through this all again, I am quite confident that adjusting to life with a newborn will not be as challenging the second time around because I know so much more than I did before she got here.  And I have adjusted my expectations to a more realistic level.

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There is so much that I wish I had known before my disgustingly adorable daughter came into the world, that no one bothered to tell me.  I really wish that close Mommy friends, or family would have shared how it really is.  Instead everyone tells you the Hollywood version of Motherhood.  And that it is beautiful and blissful.  It’s not like that 100% of the time.  I have learned so much about this new role in my life, so much that I could write a book…but I will share my biggies…

Biggie number 1: No matter how many books you read, or classes you go to.  You don’t know what the hell you are doing.  No clue.  It’s fly by the seat of your pants time now that you are home with a baby.  A real for real baby that cries all the time and poops all over you (YES it happens).  You won’t know why she is crying, and you will try everything that your hormonal, exhausted brain can think of.  And it still won’t fix it.  Just know that you don’t know what to do.  Until you do.  Also know that you are a great Mommy, and you are doing an amazing job.  It will also be impossible to ask for help.  So just take it when it’s offered.  Take people up on their offer to help.  No one cares that you have not showered for days…they are there to hold the baby…so that you can shower, and eat.  And sleep.

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Biggie number 2: You might want to leave.  Some days you will want to leave, and never come back.  Somedays you will want to just take the baby and go.  Sometimes you will want to not be married and not be a mom.  You will imagine yourself in a cabin in the woods, where no crying babies live.  Or in a tiny town by the sea, with no husbands and no babies.  You would never actually leave, but the daydream keeps you sane.  Or you will tell your husband to leave…like I did the first weekend home.  Thank god he came back!  Side note: I told him to go to the gym, and that I needed to be alone.  Not to leave forever.

Biggie number 3: You will probably get depressed.  Big time.  As in don’t leave the house, why bother showering, don’t even think about touching me, depressed.  And because you have thoughts of leaving, and you are exhausted you have zero filter, and spew a verbal vomit of hateful things to your partner; things you don’t actually mean…because they are mean.  You get through it, but you can’t get through it alone.  PPD is serious, and if you are feeling down…please, please, please talk to your partner, a friend and fellow mommy, your OB/GYN, someone…you don’t have to deal with it alone.  I was silent way too long.  Until I wasn’t and I could have done some serious damage to my marriage with the above verbal vomit.  I am thankful I have an amazing Hubs.  I shared my PPD struggles here but in truth, I struggled more in silence than I anyone knows.

Biggie number 4: Motherhood isn’t all encompassing.  Nor should it be.  Don’t lose yourself in the mounds of laundry and diapers.  Having a standing coffee date with a friend, and talk about non-mommy things.  In fact institute a “No baby talk policy”…that way you are free to dish on the latest celeb gossip, new book you are reading…oh yeah…read books.  Do something for yourself, by yourself.  When I finally opened up to The Hubs about how I was feeling, I told him I felt like the person I was before my daughter was born was dead, like she no longer existed.  She was lost and I couldn’t find her.  (Good news…I found her in Florida and she came home with me. :))

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Biggie number 5: You will feel guilty.  All.  The.  Time.  For no damn reason, and for the stupidest things.  I spent months agonizing over my milk supply.  My daughter had SUA, and IUGR and “it was my fault” was the lie I kept telling myself.  Clearly I had done something wrong.  Not only that but she has Polydactyly on her right hand…meaning she has an extra finger.  Yep…that is the first time I have mentioned it here because…I feel immense guilt about it and I still do every damn time I look at it.  So let go of the Mommy Guilt, it will all be ok.  And don’t worry about screwing up your kid…WE ARE ALL SCREWED UP.

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Biggie number 6: You might not fall in love with your baby right away.  You might have a shitty birth experience, like me, and be a bit traumatized and drugged for a while.  You might feel like you are no longer connected to your baby because she is not physically a part of you.  Just remember that she is now a spiritual part of you and that it will come.  You might be sitting up with her at 2am one night and the love will reach out and smack you in the face.  And then you will love the shit out of her.  She will be the most amazing, and awesome creature you’ve ever met.

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Biggie number 7: You might miss being pregnant.  You will miss the connection, and the comfort.  It’s hard to explain, but a lot of women experience it.  It’s totally normal.  For me, I felt disconnected from her…and even though she was there for me to hold, I had a hard time adjusting to her being in the world.

Biggie number 8: Find a mommy tribe.  And don’t just stay with the first one that you check out (I happen to still be with my same group, but did check out one other and it just wasn’t for me).   Make it new people that you don’t know.  Find your tribe, and get real with them.  Seriously.  My mommy tribe mommies are the most amazing, supportive, beautiful, non-judgemental women and our babies are all besties…or BF/GF.  Our group is changing, 2 of our mommies and babies are moving away and change is hard.  I will miss them so very much.  Oh, and stay away from Mommy groups online…for real.  They are nothing but drama, and you don’t need that.

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Biggie number 9: Get active as soon as possible…be a mall walker, join a gym, get outside if you can.  Don’t sit inside and be alone.  It’s no good for either of you.  I seriously cannot stress this one enough.  Remember: endorphins make you happy.

Biggie number 10:  You might not like being a mom sometimes.  You might have regret for the decision to procreate, and you might resent your child, especially when it’s at 2 am and you are beyond exhausted.  But that is only .01% of the time…the rest of the time is filled with bliss and sunshine and rainbows…oh wait…no it’s not…that’s the cartoons that you will watch!  Motherhood is hard for real…but it can be a blissful time if you let it.  It does get a bit easier.  I am sure that there are Moms out there that have been in the trenches a lot longer than I that will say it does not get easier…but I think it has gotten tremendously easier.  Or perhaps I am finally getting the hang of this.

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Much of this post was written in jest, but there is a lot of truth to it.  This journey is a challenging one, but one that I love more than anything in the world.  My daughter is everything to me and I love the crap out of her.

 

Mommy Uncensored: Living with PPD – you think it’s gone…but then it comes back!


And at the most inopportune moments.

Like on a family vacation.

I am still in Florida this week, to help out my SIL pack up and move out of her house, and to hopefully finish recharging.

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I really thought that I had this PPD thing under control.  But I apparently don’t.  It was kind of a shock when it crept up on me last week during a family outing.  I was sitting there enjoying the ocean breeze from the pontoon and it hit me.  BAM…the urge to bawl my brains out.  Totally out of nowhere.  This overwhelming feeling of sadness blasted my joyous Florida vacation feeling right out of the water…pun intended.

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I was able to get it together by the time we got to Shell Island, and enjoy the beautiful beach with my family.  So I thought it was over…

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But then it came back!  Again.

At dinner with the family that night, and again on the date night with the Hubs.  But this time it was just the two of us, and I could communicate with him what I was feeling.  I am so glad that I was able to be open and tell him that I was feeling down, and that I didn’t know why.  I really should be happy!  I am happy, but incredibly sad at the same time.  And I still am, but I cannot for the life of me pin point exactly why.

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We thought it maybe had something to do with vacation blues…but I figured that 3 days into our vacation was too soon for vacation blues.  And I truly am having an amazing time.  As is the #babylove

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And this face…seriously…

 

 

5 Things Friday – Florida Edition


5 things Friday

Friday in Florida! Our last day here, unless I can convince the Hubs to stay one more day…

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So here’s the five…

  1. Trekking across the country with a baby might be fun. But it might not be. In fact it mostly was ok, but it also sucked.20140604-235700-86220123.jpg
  2. I’m trying not to be upset that my BIL posted swim suit photos of me on Facebook… Instead I will use it as motivation to get my pre-baby body back.  20140604-235658-86218745.jpg
  3. PPD…you SUCK.
  4. Freaking love my SILS… @camiruthlifts…you are a goddess…and thanks for motivating me, and giving me a jump start.  20140604-235701-86221101.jpg 
  5. AHHHHHH I’m sun buuuurrrned!